A long, hard journey…

I don’t normally write about such personal stuff as I know people are going through their own difficulties and tragedies but this has been building up and true to my writing heart this is how I deal with my emotions and thoughts, by releasing them onto a page. I’m not sure who, if anyone, will read this, but if they do then perhaps they might relate or recognise some sort of feeling from it, that they’re not alone. Most of all I wish people would make sure they try and treasure the good humans in their lives, whatever their relationship, even if it’s sitting in silence with each other and having a cup of tea.

My mum has Alzheimer’s.

I’ve never written down those words before.

We’re two and a half years into it. She’s very poorly, enduring this horrible illness. She doesn’t know us anymore, has no recollection of her life or her family. I’m raising two daughters without my mum by my side, I never thought I’d have to do that. It’s by far the hardest journey I’ve ever been on, and it’s not over yet, it’s an emotional slog. We’re grieving the time we’ve lost and the time we could’ve had. For everyone else living through this or those that have lost their mum or a loved one, I send you love and strength.

Look for the simple moments in time…they’re the moments that mean the most.

***********

I miss her every day.

But there’s moments like this when I miss her the most.

Being by my side for a cup of tea, whilst waiting for the baby to wake.

The peace and calmness of a bookshop cafe, a teacake for us both to snack on, while the bottle warms.

Pleasant onlookers complimenting my child, your granddaughter, and the smile that would light up your face.

Just a memory now, one that makes my heart so heavy it hurts, but a small moment of the normalcy we once had that I will hang onto forever.

N.

2 thoughts on “A long, hard journey…

  1. I read your last two post and I can feel your pain. I wish there was something I could say to ease it. I used to like it when your mum was on reception in the Coach House. There would always be something to talk about – knitting, reading and of course you. When I was doing the LJMU course I was in a really really bad way and I don’t remember too much about it except that we used to chat and work together. I remember thinking that I didn’t want you to be lumbered with someone much older than you and that you should be with the younger ones but that didn’t seem to bother you. It’s a beautiful quality to have Nicola. I told your mum and she just said that that was how she had brought her girls up. I’m sure that is how you will bring your girls up too. They are in safe hands. I can’t imagine your pain at not being able to share it with your mum and I am really sorry for that. Thinking of you and sending lots of love M x

    1. Thank you for ready Mary, such kind kind words, means a lot. She loved her Tuesday mornings on reception. I hope you’re in a good place now or working towards it. Look forward to seeing you again at Calderstones x

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